


this is too much for me to hold

by alinaandalion



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arguments, F/F, Marriage Proposal, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:44:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7836109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alinaandalion/pseuds/alinaandalion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Mary Margaret first brings up the possibility of marriage, Emma is too taken aback by the idea to shut the conversation down before Mary Margaret gets rolling.</p><p>“We haven’t really talked about it,” Emma says weakly, hoping that either someone will interrupt them or that will be enough of an answer to get her out of talking about this any further.</p><p>No such luck.  </p><p>“Well, you and Regina have been together for two years now,” Mary Margaret says as she cocks her head to one side, a concerned look on her face.  “Don’t you think it’s about time for things to move forward?”</p><p>___</p><p>Emma proposes to Regina and things don't go as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this is too much for me to hold

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be for Swan Queen Week, but it's over a week late. Anyway, this was a struggle and I nearly gave up when I was two-thirds of the way done. But thanks to snarkingturtle, who read over it and encouraged me to keep going, I managed to finish it. So, here it is. I hope it's at least decent.
> 
> Title from "Are We There Yet" by Ingrid Michaelson.

When Mary Margaret first brings up the possibility of marriage, Emma is too taken aback by the idea to shut the conversation down before Mary Margaret gets rolling.

 

“We haven’t really talked about it,” Emma says weakly, hoping that either someone will interrupt them or that will be enough of an answer to get her out of talking about this any further.

 

No such luck.  

 

“Well, you and Regina have been together for two years now,” Mary Margaret says as she cocks her head to one side, a concerned look on her face.  “Don’t you think it’s about time for things to move forward?”

 

Emma closes her eyes and counts slowly to ten before she looks back at Mary Margaret and says, “Look, this is something I should talk about with Regina first.  I’ll, um, get back to you about it.  Later.  I have to go.”

 

Then she _bolts_ and hopes that Mary Margaret won’t get it into her head to talk to Regina about this.  She briefly considers sending Regina a text as warning for a possible ambush, but when she can’t figure out a way to word it that doesn’t come out completely wrong, she just doesn’t and tries to forget about it.

 

That turns out to be kind of a mistake.

 

*****

 

“So I had an interesting conversation with your mother today,” Regina says when Emma walks into the kitchen that night.

 

Emma stops in her tracks because there has never been a good way for this kind of conversation to end.  “Yeah, I should have probably given you a heads up about that.”

 

“Well, that’s thirty minutes of my life I can’t get back,” Regina replies.  She smiles at Emma, lips tight, as she says, “Also, her Powerpoint skills leave something to be desired.”

 

“She did a Powerpoint presentation for you?” Emma asks in disbelief even though, now that she thinks about it, it is just absurd enough to be something Mary Margaret would do.  

 

“It was a noble attempt,” Regina says with a snort.

 

Emma frowns because this _feels_ familiar, this gentle mocking of Mary Margaret and her ineffective attempts to interfere in their lives, but Regina’s shoulders are tense and she won’t really look at Emma.  She walks up behind Regina and presses her hand against the small of Regina’s back.  When Regina sighs and leans back against her, Emma wraps her arms around Regina and kisses her cheek before resting her chin on Regina’s shoulder.

 

“You know my mom sometimes gets ideas into her head and goes overboard,” Emma says quietly.  “It’s bullshit but this isn’t anything new.”

 

“I know, but--” Regina sighs and turns her head away.  A long pause and then, “Do you want to get married?”

 

“Do you?” Emma replies because that’s the question that matters, the one she’s been turning over and over.  

 

“I never thought I would want to get married again,” Regina says, voice low.  She covers Emma’s right hand with her own and laces their fingers together, holds tight.  “But, I don’t know.  Maybe.  What about you?”

 

Emma breathes in and out slowly, closing her eyes as she says, “I want to be with you.  Whatever that looks like.  I think I’d like to get married, but I don’t _need_ to.”

 

“Okay,” Regina murmurs, and Emma presses a kiss to her neck.

 

*****

 

Two weeks later, she’s curled up on the couch in Regina’s study, reading while Regina works on some town proposal at her desk.  

 

“I think I’d like to put it on the table,” Regina says.

 

Emma starts and whips her head up from her book to stare at Regina.  “What?  Put what on the table?”

 

Regina’s smile is soft, fond, as she looks at Emma and fiddles with her pen.  “Marriage.  I think it’s something I want for us.  If you do, anyway.”

 

“Oh.”  Emma puts her book to the side and grins as she gets up and crosses the room.  She cups Regina’s face in her hands and kisses her.  “Yeah.  I want that.”

 

“You’re sure?” Regina asks, standing and placing her hands on Emma’s hips, pulling her closer.

 

Emma shakes her head and says, “I was about to ask you that.  But I am.  I’m so, so sure, Regina.”

 

Regina smiles and says, “So am I,” before she kisses her.

 

*****

 

In retrospect, she shouldn’t have told Mary Margaret anything about that conversation with Regina.  Because now she’s been dragged into a jewelry store by an excited Mary Margaret who won’t stop chattering about diamonds and different ring settings.  

 

Emma wanders off on her own to keep from snapping at her.  She isn’t going to buy a ring today because she has no idea if Regina even wants one.  There are still too many questions about what this will all mean for them.

 

But then--her eyes catch on a ring in the case and she stops.  The clerk that has been hovering right behind her the entire time springs into action and presents the ring to her.  

 

Emma holds it in the palm of her hand because if she was going to buy a ring, this would be it.  

 

“It’s beautiful, Emma,” Mary Margaret says in a soft, awed voice, and Emma closes her hand into a fist and looks up at her.

 

“Yeah?” Emma murmurs.  She opens her hand and looks at it again.  She _shouldn’t_ but then she doesn’t have to do anything right away--  “I think maybe--I think it’s perfect.”

 

She buys it.

 

*****

 

The problem is that Mary Margaret keeps sending increasingly frantic texts about when Emma is going to pop the question.  It gets to the point that Emma is avoiding her own mother because this pressure is ridiculous.

 

When Emma jerks the squad car down a side street because she thinks she sees Mary Margaret on the street ahead, Mulan turns to her and says, “Okay, first, I am going to drive from now on.  Second, what the hell is wrong with you?  You’ve been wound up about something for weeks now.”

 

“But I’m the sheriff,” Emma mumbles, sulky as she squirms under Mulan’s scrutiny.  “And I’m fine.  Nothing is going on.  My mom is just being...nosy.”

 

“You _ran away_ from your phone yesterday when you got a text alert,” Mulan replies, and goddamnit, Emma knows that Mulan isn’t going to let this go.  

 

“She thinks I should propose to Regina,” Emma says in a rush, cheeks burning at how ridiculous this must all look.

 

Mulan at least has the decency to try to hide her smile.  “Oh.  That’s--well.  Why is she putting this pressure on you now?”

 

Emma shifts in her seat and drums her fingers against the steering wheel.  “Because I might have bought a ring.  While my mom was with me.  Not my finest moment.”

 

Mulan laughs at her then and Emma can’t really blame her.  She groans and rests her head on the steering wheel.

 

“I am an absolute fucking moron,” Emma says in a monotone.

 

Mulan is still chuckling, but she pats Emma’s shoulder and says, “Come on, I’ll buy you a hot chocolate and we’ll figure out how to get her to leave you alone.”

 

*****

 

When Mulan found out that Emma hadn’t exactly asked Mary Margaret to back off, she sent Emma off with a roll of her eyes to start with that.

 

It mostly works, especially after Emma explained to Mary Margaret that all the suspicious activity might ruin the proposal for Regina.  Now she gets hints that completely lack any subtlety on a weekly basis instead of hourly.

 

One day when it’s just her and David at the station, Emma says, “I’m kind of surprised that Mom hasn’t spilled the beans to Regina yet.”

 

“She feels like she’s part of the plan.  Or something like that,” David says with a shrug.  “It’s not like she can’t keep a secret.  She just likes to help people when she thinks they need it.”

 

Emma nods because it makes sense.  Mary Margaret had certainly sat on top of that secret about Lily until it was forced out of her.  The last secret she’d been unable to keep had been after she’d overhead Regina and Zelena talking about Regina’s feelings for Emma.  It had turned out well but Regina had been furious for a good amount of time.  

 

“It just feels like the only secrets she can’t keep are about Regina,” Emma says slowly.

 

“Yeah, well.”  He fidgets and sighs before saying, “She means well.”

 

“That’s fucked up,” Emma mutters.  

 

“Maybe,” he says, always unwilling to say anything actually negative about Mary Margaret.  “But you don’t have to worry about her talking to Regina about this.”

 

“Okay,” Emma says and this isn’t something she should feel defeated about.  But, well.  There it is.

 

*****

 

It’s at one of Mary Margaret’s monthly gatherings for friends and family that Emma looks across the room at Regina and just _knows_ . This is it.  Here, where they’re loved and can share this with their family.  It finally feels _right,_ unlike the date she had planned last month because proposals are expected to be big and romantic and she had backed out of following through at the last minute _._ And Emma starts to cross the room before she can lose her nerve.

 

She takes Regina’s right hand in hers and says, “Hey, I have something I kind of want to talk to you about.”

 

Regina steps closer and nods.  “Do you want to step outside?  I don’t think anyone will miss us.”

 

“No, here is good.”  Emma clears her throat and shuffles her weight before she sinks down on one knee.  

 

“Emma--”  Regina’s voice is soft, breathless, and Emma ducks her head, overwhelmed as the room around them quiets.

 

“Um, okay.  So I didn’t exactly plan on this so I don’t have some big speech planned out.  But I do know that I love you, Regina, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”  She summons the ring box with her magic from where it’s wrapped up in her baby blanket in a dresser drawer.  “So, will you--”

 

“Ma!” Henry yells, panicky and too high, and Emma looks up and no, _no_ , this isn’t right at all.

 

Because Regina looks _terrified_ , her fingers trembling in Emma’s grasp, and Emma’s heart sinks as she takes in the way Regina looks like she’s been cornered and it’s Emma’s fault because she should have known.  She should have asked.  

 

Regina’s hand slips away, and Emma fumbles for words, stuttering and trying to stand up.

 

“I’m sorry,” Regina says and her voice cracks on the last word before she turns and walks out of the room.  

 

Henry looks at Emma, and she can see the concern in his eyes and she can’t be what they need when she’s screwed up this badly.  She watches him set his jaw and take off after Regina, Zelena and Marian hot on his heels.  

 

“Emma, honey,” Mary Margaret says, steady as she helps Emma stand up.  “You didn’t do--”

 

“No, I can’t--”  Emma stops and shakes her head, tries to breathe.  “I can’t do this right now.”

 

She pulls free and runs.

 

*****

 

She goes down to the docks.  It hasn’t even been five minutes, and her phone won’t stop vibrating in her hand.  Texts from Henry, texts from her mom, phone calls from Mulan, Henry, and David that she ignores.  She doesn’t turn it off, though.

 

Mulan is the one who finds her.  She doesn’t get out of the car, though, so after a couple minutes, Emma wipes the tears off her cheeks and jogs over, sliding into the passenger seat, shivering as the heat hits her face.  She hadn’t realized it was that cold outside.

 

“You doing okay?” Mulan asks as she turns to look Emma over.  

 

“I guess,” Emma says, shrugging.

 

Mulan doesn’t seem convinced but she says, “Okay, well, I guess we should get you home.”

 

“No.”

 

Mulan stops, her eyebrows raised as she looks at Emma, and Emma falters because she wants--but she can’t.  Her eyes start to sting with new tears and she sniffles as she closes her eyes and breathes and breathes.

 

“So, here’s what I think:  you should go home.”  Mulan sighs and continues, “But I’m not going to force you.  Just know that if you come home with me, Marian is probably going to yell at you later and you’ll have to sleep on the couch.”

 

“Okay,” Emma whispers.

 

*****

 

Marian does yell for a little bit when she comes in and sees Emma sitting on the couch, but she loses steam pretty quickly and just looks sad.  Emma curls into a ball on the couch and Mulan turns on an episode of _Justice League_.

 

Marian makes hot chocolate spiked with whipped cream-flavored vodka, Mulan’s favorite, for both Emma and Mulan later, and Emma watches the way Marian’s hand lingers on Mulan’s wrist, their soft smiles, the quick kiss Mulan presses to Marian’s shoulder.

 

Emma aches and she stares at her phone because she can pick it up.  She can read Henry’s messages or call home or do something.  She sips her hot chocolate and it’s a little too sweet, different from what Regina makes on late cold nights.  

 

*****

 

She checks her phone later, after Mulan and Marian have gone to bed.  She doesn’t read the messages, just scrolls quickly through what she’s received, looking and hoping.

 

There’s nothing from Regina.  One new message comes in from Henry before she locks her phone.

 

_Please come home._

 

Emma stares at it, choking on a sob as she starts to respond.  But there’s nothing to say, no possible way to explain why she can’t.  She erases everything she typed and turns her phone off.  

 

Curling back up on the couch, she presses her face against her pillow and bites down on it to keep from screaming.

 

*****

 

Emma calls in sick to work in the morning and just stays huddled up under her blanket on the couch.  It’s a Saturday, and she’s pretty sure that she’s interrupting whatever routine Marian and Mulan have, but she doesn’t actually think she can get up.

 

Zelena poofs into the living room around ten, and Mulan jumps out of her chair, spilling her coffee. “Fuck.”

 

“Go home,” Zelena snaps at Emma, ignoring Mulan.  

 

Emma closes her eyes and shakes her head.  “Go away.”

 

“Not unless you’re coming with me,” Zelena replies as she grabs Emma by the arm.

 

“Wait, no, hold on,” Mulan says.  She moves to stand in between Emma and Zelena and says, “You can’t make her go with you.”

 

Zelena lets Emma go but she says, “She needs to make this right.”

 

Mulan glances down at Emma and Emma shrinks back against the couch.  She’s not ready to go back; she can’t go back because this could be the end and she doesn’t know any way to avoid it except to stay here.

 

Sighing, Mulan finally says, “Maybe she should.  But you dragging her back to Regina isn’t going to help anyone.”

 

Zelena’s frown deepens and Emma thinks that Zelena might just ignore Mulan and do whatever she wants anyway.  It wouldn’t be the first time.  

 

But Zelena just glares at Emma and says, “You really should just go home.”  

 

And she disappears in a plume of green smoke.  Mulan rolls her eyes and grumbles a little as she examines the coffee stain on her t-shirt.  

 

Emma fiddles with her blanket and asks, “Do you think she’ll forgive me?”

 

Mulan’s gaze is sharp as she meets Emma’s eyes and says, “I can’t answer that, Emma.  You’ll have to talk to Regina to find out.”

 

“What if she doesn’t?” Emma whispers, barely able to get the words out because she feels like she can’t breathe at the thought.

 

“I don’t know.”  Mulan scratches at the back of her neck and shrugs as she says, “I’ll be here to help you figure it out, I guess.  Just--don’t give up yet, Emma.”

 

Mulan squeezes Emma’s shoulder briefly, the pressure comforting and fleeting, before she wanders off.  Emma closes her eyes and breathes, pushes her tears down and down and down.  

 

*****

 

Later that day, there’s a knock at the door.  Emma doesn’t move from the couch but Marian calls for her so she goes, expecting it to be Mary Margaret or David or maybe Henry.  She finds Regina on the other side, eyes blazing with hurt when she looks at Emma.

 

Emma falters, half-turning to run, but then Marian pushes her out the door and slams it shut behind her.  

 

“You didn’t come home last night,” Regina says, her shoulders slumping.  

 

Emma grimaces and says, “I thought you might want some space?  Or, I don’t know, I just couldn’t--”

 

She trails off, hanging her head because there really isn’t an excuse or a reason beyond her running scared after screwing up the best thing she’s ever known.  

 

“I don’t understand what happened,” Regina murmurs.  “I get that you’re angry that I effectively turned you down in front of everyone, but I didn’t think you’d actually do something like this to _punish_ me--”

 

“Wait,” Emma says quickly, head snapping up to stare at Regina.  “You think that I’m _mad_ at you?  For not saying yes?”

 

“Aren’t you?”  And Regina sounds so tired and defeated as she wraps her arms around herself.  “I thought if you would just come home, I could explain why I reacted that way and you would understand.  But you didn’t.  And then I thought--”

 

Regina’s voice breaks and she sobs, and Emma rushes to her, pulling her into a fierce hug, heart aching because she never thought this would be something Regina would take on herself and she was so stupid.  

 

“I’m not mad,” Emma says.  She pulls back enough to look Regina in the eye and continues, “I wasn’t mad at you.  I messed up.  I made you vulnerable in a way you weren’t expecting or prepared for and I hurt you and I’m sorry.  I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

 

“Emma,” Regina breathes, reaching up and cupping Emma’s face in her hands.  “You don’t have to--”

 

“Please.  I need to fix it.”  Emma wraps her fingers around Regina’s wrists and holds on tight.  “Just tell me how.”

 

“Come home,” Regina says quietly, her smile breathtaking, beautiful, as she holds Emma.  She strokes her thumbs along Emma’s cheeks and says, “Just come home.”

 

Emma sobs and falls into her, and Regina clings to her as Emma presses her lips to Regina’s neck and breathes in.

 

“We’re okay,” Regina says, voice strong and warm.  Her lips brush Emma’s ear, cheek, nose, and she says again, “We’re okay.”

 

“We’re okay,” Emma echoes, unsure.  But she takes in Regina’s soft brown eyes and the gentle curve of her mouth and how Regina is steady and calm and waiting for her, and she believes it this time when she says, “We’re okay.”

 


End file.
